Toad Invasion: Masters of Disguise

So, it seems my favorite human had a potted plant (kept outside) which was not looking so well. At the same time, she had little holes in the nearby garden. She was quick to blame chipmunks or similar creatures but I had my suspicions. And after a recent rain, when she was going to move the pots back after having moved them out to get some rainfall, my thoughts were confirmed.

Look at this guy:



Cleverly (for a toad) disguised, leaving a trail of wrecked flowers behind him, was a spy.

Those white fibrous things on his back that look like plant roots? Wires to his listening devices. The black blobs on him that look like dirt? Well, they are dirt -- he is hiding in the dirt, you know.

I have seen others like him come out at night and park themselves near the garage door. One actually hopped inside when my agent came in to let me out for a walk. Good thing (for the toad) he saw him before I did.

As for this one, when my humans noticed him he froze long enough so they could get photographic proof, then high-tailed it out of there, only to be confused by the small fence that the humans have as a border to the flower garden.

If you haven't yet realized just how bad the toad menace is, I leave you with one last photo. I apologize for the shocking horror of it, but sometimes that is what it takes for people to see the truth.

Big Estrelas don't cry

This weekend, in order to get some much-needed pampering from my humans, I decided to milk an injury.

The plan came to me out of the blue, really. The Mulan special edition DVD, one of my favorite movies, has a song on it called "Keep 'em Guessing" (it was not in the theatrical release, it's in the bonus features). Ok, that's not really one of my favorite movies, but someone put it in the "Lassie Come Home" case and I accidentally started watching it and then I had to see how it ended and you know how I am a sucker for those "making of" featurettes. Anyway, the song is rather catchy and got stuck in my head that night. I think it was an idea awaiting an opportunity.

Well the opportunity came Sunday. And it was good timing, too. Saturday the humans took two of the big dumb wolfhounds out for what I still think is not really what they say it is. The wolfhounds say they go for a long ride and then get loved up by hundreds of people at a so-called "Irish Festival" but I know it can't be anything that good. Anyway, just in case they did do something enjoyable on Saturday, it turned out Sunday would be the perfect time to put my plan into motion.

As my agent started to walk me out to my duck-guarding post after breakfast, I suddenly sat down and started crying as if in great pain. I bit at the leash and jumped around a lot. My agent tried to calm me down. He led me into the garage and took the leash off and was petting me all over, checking me for sore spots and giving me a good massage in the process. Ah, my plan was starting to work already! But I had to keep making it good. My favorite human came running looking very worried. I knew my shrieks were convincing, but this was better than I expected! She too started paying tons of attention to me.

See, this is where "keep 'em guessing" comes in. I couldn't let them know where it hurt, because then they would have taken care of it and most of the fussing would have stopped right there. No, while there was a mystery they would be forced to check on me a lot, make me feel comfortable, give me treats, etc.

My agent seemed to think it was my neck. You see, Saturday night when it was suppertime, I did bolt from my duck-guarding pen, pulling the leash quite tight around the fencepost, and almost knocking myself down in the process (yes, I knew I had the leash on and it would restrain me... I just like doing this so my agent knows how hungry I am). Since I was on the leash when I started yelping Sunday morning, it was easy for him to imagine I had pulled something Saturday night and you know how sore muscles usually show up hours after the actual injury. Well, I do this quite often and it really doesn't hurt, so he was way off track (just the way I wanted it).

My favorite human concentrated a lot on my back end. She kept feeling my hips, looking for sore spots. She looked intently at the bottoms of all my feet. Both of the humans kept petting me all over. It was important that I not give away the secret though. A peep I did not make through all of this.

Back on the leash I went, and a few whines as we walked around reinforced the fact that I hurt and I needed some attention! They checked on me several times throughout the day. They did not, however, bring me in the house. I put on the most pitiful look I could every time I saw them. My "please make me feel better" look. Oh, you should have seen it; it was masterful.

Monday I felt a little better so it was hard to keep up the pitifulness to the same degree, but I still let them know I was not all better. Soon I was finding myself in the van, going for a ride. I knew I was going to that place where I get adored (I know that is not very descriptive, since I get adored everyplace I go) and sometimes get shots. This was going to be good. A waiting room to get admired in, vet techs to pet me, and somebody to give me a very thorough going-over. I was also hopeful, given the neck thing, that they would let me roam freely in the back of the van (they had the back seat out and everything). But unfortunately they instead put a pen in and made me go in it.

By the time we got out of the van, I knew the jig would soon be up because I saw the blood on my blanket. Still, I kept up appearances to maximize the potential for attention-getting. And it wasn't long before the wound on the top of my paw was located and shaved and checked out and cleaned up. I even got to see a picture of the bones inside my paw. That was pretty cool. They should take a picture like that of my stomach sometime. I want to see what food, good towels, sponges, and other items look like in there.

So then last night I got to sleep in the house. The humans made me soak my paw in warm water. I got several biscuits and lots of relieved petting. I am hoping they keep this up for a few more days.

A big dumb wolfhound would never have thought of "keep 'em guessing." It would have held up its paw and whined, or limped on it. An Estrela would only do that kind of thing in very extreme cases, because we must still do our jobs even in the face of pain. And in my case, you can see that I got extra attention by being mysterious (hey, it did hurt when I shifted my weight on it!). Had my favorite human found that boo-boo on Sunday, I might not even have gotten to go to the "shots&attention" place at all! Or even if they had taken me, I'm sure there wouldn't have been as much concerned affection forthcoming from the humans in the interim.

Now, there is still the mystery of where I got this injury. I'm not saying. The humans are going to have to figure it out. Personally I think there is some maliciousness involved on the part of the toads. Last night while I was inside I heard my humans say there was a big toad on the front step of the house. Checking on me, no doubt. He probably hopped off to tell his cohorts that their plan failed and I was not dead. They better watch out. When news of this gets out, there will be some mighty hurtin' toads if they are not careful.

Oh, and about the title of this post. I did not mean it exactly literally. What I meant was a big Estrela with a hurt paw doesn't hold it up and sob like a little child who needs a band-aid!

Infiltrated?

Ok, this is just unconscionable. How this could happen in a realm with two Estrelas, I don't know.

Batata reported to me that a book had mysteriously arrived in the house, so I checked it out. The name of the book is "Toad Heaven." Now, on first glance this sounds like a perfectly wonderful book -- a book about the evil toads meeting their maker. A glance at the blurb on the back provides tantalizing clues at what might lie inside... phrases like "Perhaps it was a fork wound" and "the human had tried to eat him." A quick look inside provides more wonderful imagery of a toad afraid of being squashed and otherwise harmed.

But a closer look reveals the truth. It is a pro-toad book! The picture on the cover shows three smiling toads with halos above their heads (the one on the right does look like a thug, so at least that part is accurately depicted). The hero of the book is a toad who is a "nice guy" and just wants to "find a safe place to live" where he can escape "persecution." If this isn't heresy, I don't know what is.

Here is a link to it on Amazon. Amazingly the same "person" (probably actually an amphibian) has written several other pro-toad books. I am thinking perhaps a good protest against Amazon for selling this kind of filth is in order. Also, when I looked there were only 3 left in stock. To me this says there is something big going on. Perhaps if Amazon provides data on who has been buying this book in large quantities, and decides to carry the Jorge Damas Estrela book, then I will rethink the whole boycott thing.

So now I must ask myself how this book made it into my realm. Do we have a spy in the house? A toad sympathizer? Or was it brought in by a 3rd party? If so, how could that happen without Batata or me knowing about it? It would have had to be while I was stuck in the garage... I know the humans sometimes take Batata out for "socialization" (that is what they call it... we call it "admiration") so the house is unprotected at those times (the big dumb wolfhounds are of no use for this sort of thing). Maybe someone stuck it in the backpack of one of the children while they were at school. That is more plausible, but it would be a bad situation, indeed, since it would mean the children are exposed to grave danger while out of my sight. Perhaps I need to work things out so that Batata or I can accompany them to school just to make sure they are safe. The toad spy could be that yellow lab. He does look shifty and he always barks at me (like it has any impact -- ha!). I still do not trust him. I have never seen him bark at a toad.

If Argus were here I would just have him eat this book to destroy it. Batata is good at chewing things right now so perhaps I can put her on it. I, personally, even though I have an iron stomach in general and could eat ANYTHING, including baklava and junebugs, refuse to stoop so low as to let this... this thing touch me any more than it already has (I feel like I need a good bath already, and hey, my favorite human has a coupon for bathing at PetSmart!). Ah, I have an idea! The big dumb wolfhound Brogan has been jumping the gate into the living room and peeing on the floor. I will convince him to pee on the book, and then the humans will throw it away. Problem solved! Well, this part of it, at least....

Don't believe any rumors!

Dear Readers,

I want to dispell any nasty rumors that might be out there where you might hear that I was afraid of a toad. I don't know how this rumor could have been started as the only human witness was my agent and I know he would never repeat such blasphemy. I can only infer that the wicked toads somehow mangaged to start spreading this rumor.

Here is my side of the story......there was a toad in one of the dog yards. Having recently read a book on hip hop dancing (I must keep up with my #1 apprentice, Argus, as he is an avid reader)...I decided to merge some hip hop moves and judo to dispatch with the toad. I have to say that in true Estrela style, the moves were executed perfectly. Why my agent was laughing, I will never know.

Bart

An Estrela's work is never done.

The invaders attempting to disturb my realm are increasing daily during this spring season.

Yesterday a pesky young yellow lab showed up on my front doorstep barking his head off. My agent, for some reason, felt it would be better to hang on to him while looking for his owner. Now, an Estrela would never be "lost" (even when we temporarily leave our homes) but apparently the same is not true for Labrador retrievers, otherwise he never would have ignored my warning barks and entered my realm.

Let me tell you, I do not care for this intruder. He barks a lot (the job of the Estrelas) and he is quite... energetic. My agent has placed a 'found' ad in the newspaper and hopefully he will be claimed... and soon.

Secondly there was a gigantic snapping turtle heading towards my pond tonight. I do not need any ducks bitten in half, and I don't want my agent to get injured when he gets his waders on and goes in there to clean out the pond. I like turtles, especially Myrtle (I haven't heard from her in a while!) but not snappers!

Now, I am brave but I am not stupid, and I'm not going to deal directly with a snapping turtle (not to mention it was not within reach of my kennel). When my agent came outside to move me inside in the face of an impending rainstorm (I don't know why he bothers with that, because I like the rain), I warned him by barking. Ok, so I always bark when he comes out, so he might have missed the significance of that particular bark, but then he walked right by it (he couldn't miss it). He herded it into a box and took it away somewhere. Hopefully to a painful snapping-turtle death, but more likely back to the creek from whence it came (hopefully downstream).

And last but certainly not least were the toads. There were a few out by the garage including one trying to get into my exercise area. And Batata tells me one actually tried to get into the house. Luckily she was on guard. Without me being inside as much these days, I have to rely on her Estrela-ness to protect the humans against this type of threat (the big dumb wolfhounds are no help in that regard).

There are some new pics of Batata (including some of her playing with me) in her gallery.

The toad menace continues...

Now that we have had some warm weather, it is getting to be toad season. I have encountered a few small frogs already (they are harmless of course) and the dangerous toad invaders should be close behind.

A reader sent me this link: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/03/27/australia.toad.reut/index.html

Those of you who doubted me about the dastardly doings of these amphibian anarchists need to do a little more mind-changing research (those who are not familiar with the problem should read through my entire blog in chronological order, i.e. backwards from how it appears).

Oh, and my agent is uploading some new portraits of me to the gallery.

Covert Operations

Take a look at this guy:



At first glance, he looks like a mighty evil toad. But I found out from Myrtle that he is actually the frog I spotted earlier. He is in disguise as a toad so that he can infiltrate their forces. Pretty good idea, but I don't think I could pull it off. Look at that detailing! You can even see the little detonators on some of those nuclear warhead bumpy things.

I haven't seen ANY tadpoles in the past few days. It's a good thing the frog is able to get into the toad lair and report on what exactly is going on. It's dangerous work, especially for a non-Estrela.

In other news...

The other night, I heard some troublemaker getting into the duck food bin (it's one of those big plastic garbage cans). I couldn't see it because I was stuck in my crate overnight (an indignity I've gotten used to), but I barked to alert my humans. They were too lazy to do anything about it, but I know my agent was a little unhappy to see the can knocked over and the lid off it in the morning. Well, there was hardly any food left, so it was not such a big deal. So yesterday he filled it up with duck food and guess what... those rascals managed to get the lid off!

Luckily it did not rain, or all the new food would be ruined. But tonight the lid is tied on. Let's see them figure that out!

Oh well, I have eaten my dinner and made my blog post, now I must find an inconvenient spot to lie in so that I am rested for my post-bedtime barking.

Update from Myrtle

My humans spotted Myrtle patroling the perimeter of the grassy part of my realm yesterday (that might not be the best job for a turtle). She was no doubt trying to keep our yard free from those dastardly enemies, the toads. In good news, there were no sign of those blood-sucking leeches my humans removed from her as a goodwill gesture. I must say, those were very distasteful creatures. Even my ducks would not eat them and ducks will eat June bugs!

I was watching from my favorite spot as my humans were using these machines called lawnmowers and I had a perfectly brilliant idea!!!!! I think these things could be used to fling toads off my property!!! Now, if I could just figure out how to use these contraptions, all would be well in my realm.

Today it has been especially challenging to be an Estrela Mountain Dog. First, it's hot here. I dislike hot days. Second, the new neighbors are having a picnic. Someone will need to inform them that they need my express written permission to do so. After all, I am just beginning to figure out who is supposed to be there and who is not. I think they are trying to confuse me. So, each and every time I am outside I will bark, bark, bark in their general direction as a reminder that they better stay on their own side of the property line.

Estrela Mountain Dogs are not really prone to complaining but I must admit the humidity makes me rather hot under the collar (pun intended). Time to hog the spot in front of the big fan my humans have running. Look out wolfhounds, the king of all breeds is coming!

-Bart-

Toad Battle Update

I have been monitoring the toad-to-be situation closely and have made a startling discovery. The visible tadpole quantity has decreased signifcantly, as you can see in my log:

Date	Quantity
5/25	a lot
5/27	a whole lot
6/1	not quite as many
6/6	not many at all

Now, I am not sure what to make of this. I would like to think my Estrela-ness is making them think twice about their invasion, and they are retreating. However, I must take a more pragmatic view. While not nearly as smart as an Estrela Mountain Dog, toads (and toads-to-be) are clever, and must never be underestimated. It is possible that they have merely found better places to hide.

I have noticed, though, that there are a lot more fish visible than usual near the area where the evil tadpoles like to congregate. And while I cannot communicate reliably with fish, I have heard good things about them, and it is entirely possible that these fish are eating tadpoles for dinner.

While we're talking about possible allies, Myrtle has been nowhere to be seen. I am sure she is conducting covert operations, rather than having gone AWOL. Maybe she is directing the fish. She did tell me she can talk to them.

When I went outside after my breakfast there were a pair of geese standing next to the pond. I didn't even have to bark at them, and eventually they got scared and flew away. While I like my ducks, I hate geese! They make giant piles of goose poop in the yard.

More news as it happens...

Here is Myrtle

If I was a turtle, I'd say she was hot! But as I am an Estrela Mountain Dog, my tastes run a different way.

A new ally in the toad battle

Today I met a new friend. Her name is Myrtle and she is some kind of roundish creature with a really hard outer part that I was unable to chew on or penetrate with my Estrela claws. She was heading towards the pond, and she says she heard about the hatching and came to investigate because she hates toads. Any enemy of toads is a friend of mine.

I got some pictures and I'll post them as soon as my computer is hooked up again.

Oh, and it is junebug season. I hate those things!

The evil tadpoles

I snuck out this morning and got some pictures of the tadpoles. Don't let their cuteness fool you! The whole pond is just littered with them like this. Maybe the number is higher than I originally estimated.




Can anyone tell from this closeup whether they are going to be toads or frogs? They are looking very toad-ish to me!

Stopping the toad invasion

I have come up with my first step in stopping the toad invasion. I will sit in the corner of the yard nearest the pond, and bark incessantly in the general direction of the pond. This will let the little toads-to-be know that I am here and ready to take them on.

As a bonus, it's something I do anyway, so it's no extra work for me.

Toad invasion brewing

Something bad is happening....

Over the weekend we had a hatching in the pond. There are now thousands of polliwogs (or tadpoles, if you prefer) swimming around in there... or perhaps actually lying in wait. I must now prepare for a possible toad invasion. I don't know how to tell at this stage whether these beasts will indeed be dastardly, dangerous toads, or merely harmless frogs. It is safe to say that they will waste no time in staging their brutal invasion, doing so as soon as their legs have developed and while they are still at their most potent tiny size.

I have written before in my "Ask Bart" column about the treachery of the toad. A single toad is bad enough... but thousands! I cannot even estimate the possible danger to my family. This is truly a job for the Estrela Mountain Dog. I can't trust the bumbling Irish wolfhounds in my house to help me out. I'm not sure if they would run away, or step on the toad-beasts accidentally (which would be somewhat helpful, but ineffective due to the large numbers involved). The little mutt Daisy has proven her mettle with rodents, but I don't know if she is up to the toad challenge. I would love to have the fair Gisela, or my sister Pinta, or perhaps fellow Champion Choupo, here to help me at this important time, but alas, they are all too far away to make it in time. I shall have to deal with this myself.

The more optimistic among us would probably hope that these are indeed frog tadpoles and not evil toad tadpoles... but I can't take the chance. I will be formulating my plans and monitoring the situation over the coming days.